MY MARRIAGE IS NOT AS ROSY AS I THOUGHT

4 Reasons Why Most People Describe Marriage As 'Hard'

Marriage has been one institution that I have come to truly love; not just for its sanctity and the companionship but also, for more on the fact that it is the platform upon which the society is built. Over time, I have listened to people give various views and counsels on marriage and these have mainly been premised on their respective experiences. I dare say however, that people’s perspective are usually hinged on their experiences and thus will always be subjective because each person’s case is peculiar to them. People’s perspectives and views can also vary based on the quality of information they have obtained or have access to.

God who is the originator of marriage stated that “It is not good for man to be alone, therefore I will make him an helpmate” and my understanding of someone needing help implies a desire for an  improvement in certain situations or circumstances. So if this is the case, why then has the experience of many been bitter and not sweet, sad and not peaceful, chaotic and not exciting?
Growing up, I was an extremely observant person and I guess I got it from my Mother whom I believe   would make a great detective or a private investigator because nothing ever escapes her eagle eyes,  hardly does anything go unnoticed with her. As a result of my observant nature, I always looked out for what worked in the marriages of the couples around me  and what did not,  that of my parents inclusive. It is based on my observations and findings that I have come to a conclusion with the following facts;
  1. In Marriage, What works for one may not work for the other.
  2. People, mainly older couples in marriage will proffer recommendations based on their experiences and if theirs have been bitter, expect to get a bitter perspective on marriage.
  3. Marriage is the union of two unique people, therefore celebrate the uniqueness of your spouse, rather than detest it.
  4. Marriage will work if only you both work it and just like how every worthy venture takes great effort, marriage isn’t any different.
  5. Marriage is like a bank account and you both can only withdraw what has both deposited, so please by all means, always check your statement and make positive deposits countlessly. Deposits such as words of affirmation, good memories of date nights, helping out in household chores etc.
  6. Know your role. Every successful establishment functions based on clearly defined roles and responsibilities. A Husband must know his and so must his wife. In cases of uncertainty, Read Ephesians 5:21-33 for some insight.
  7. Only God can change your spouse and not you. So if you notice a certain trait that you don’t like, discuss it with EACH OTHER and NO ONE else if possible but also pray to God to change it. Only the manufacturer has the right to alter his product.

Having said this, I then pose the question, what then makes marriage bitter for some and sweet for the other? Here are a few suggestions that I have discovered.

  1. Misinformation: Because we live in a society that thrives on information, information will be one of the factors distinguishing failures from successes. Before many got married, they may have been misinformed about what marriage is expected to be. A good example of such information is,  “It’s always a woman’s fault when there are no children in the marriage”,  “Your children should be what matters most after marriage”, ”A third party is permitted to know and settle any dispute between couples’ or the classic one, ”Women belong in the kitchen and Men are to do the working”. I will address these in a later post.
  2. Lack of Commitment: In one of my previous snippets, I described marriage as a rowing boat and how far the marriage goes is dependent on the willingness of both parties to row.
  3. Foundation: Just like any structural building, the weight of what it can sustain is contingent on the strength of its foundation. Many marriages as a result of its foundation cannot withstand the slightest issue life throws at them. But with a strong resolve to see things through, effective communication and prayers to God- The Author, I believe it can weather any storm.
  4. Comparison based on expectation: No one ever wants to be made to feel inadequate particularly from a loved one, let alone a spouse. The act of comparing spouses as result of what one expects the spouse to be is one of the many causes for disagreements in marriage. Rather than compare, I would say encourage, and not castigate, I say support rather than fault-find, I say celebrate the strengths of your spouse rather than elaborate on his/her weaknesses. No matter how bad things may seem, there is something good going on, if only one can change their perspective, for it is then that this good is noticed.

In conclusion, always remember that commitment to the vision or purpose of the marriage is what keeps couples going even in hard times. What you focus on will always get illuminated, so choose to focus on the good about your spouse and commit the not so good to the Manufacturer- God.

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